By Dr. Diana Chacon, PhD – Licensed clinical psychologist with over 25 years of experience in individual and couples therapy
You finally meet someone who treats you well. The relationship feels healthy, supportive, and full of potential. So why does getting closer suddenly make you want to pull away?
Instead of feeling excited, you feel anxious. You find yourself questioning your feelings, looking for flaws in your partner, imagining worst-case scenarios, or wondering whether you’re making a mistake.
Part of you wants connection. Another part wants to create distance.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with relationship anxiety and self-sabotaging patterns, even when their partner is kind, caring, and genuinely invested in them. The confusion can be frustrating because the relationship itself is not necessarily the problem. Often, the real struggle is the tension between wanting closeness and fearing what could happen if you allow yourself to fully trust it.
When anxiety enters the picture, it can become difficult to tell the difference between a genuine concern and a fear-based reaction. As a result, you may find yourself stuck in cycles of doubt, overthinking, and second-guessing, even when the relationship is going well.
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Understanding relationship self-sabotage
Relationship self-sabotage happens when fear begins to interfere with your ability to connect, trust, and move forward in a healthy relationship.
Sometimes it looks obvious. You end relationships abruptly, pick fights, or avoid commitment altogether. Other times, it is much more subtle. You constantly analyze every interaction, search for signs that something is wrong, or convince yourself that your feelings should be stronger than they are.
Many people describe feeling trapped between two fears:
- Fear of getting hurt
- Fear of losing the relationship
As a result, they stay stuck in a cycle of doubt and second-guessing.
The more important the relationship becomes, the louder these fears often get.
How relationship anxiety shows up in everyday life
Relationship anxiety can affect your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in ways that leave you feeling exhausted.
You might find yourself:
- Replaying conversations over and over
- Looking for reassurance that your partner loves you
- Comparing your relationship to others
- Focusing on small imperfections and treating them as major problems
- Pulling away emotionally when things start feeling close
- Wondering if you should leave despite having no clear reason
For example, your partner forgets to text back for a few hours, and your mind immediately jumps to thoughts of rejection. Or perhaps you start imagining a future together and suddenly feel overwhelmed by doubt.
These reactions can create distance in otherwise healthy and supportive relationships.
Understanding what’s driving the doubt
Many people assume relationship anxiety means they are with the wrong person. Sometimes that is true. But often, the anxiety is connected to older patterns that existed long before the current relationship began.
Past experiences shape how we view closeness, trust, and vulnerability.
If you’ve experienced painful breakups, inconsistent relationships, criticism, emotional neglect, betrayal, or trauma, it can become difficult to fully trust positive experiences. A part of you may stay on guard, waiting for something to go wrong.
You might intellectually know that your partner cares about you, yet emotionally struggle to believe it.
I often find that people experiencing relationship anxiety are highly thoughtful and self-aware. They want to make the right decision. They care deeply about their relationships. Yet their search for certainty becomes so intense that it prevents them from experiencing the relationship that is right in front of them.
No relationship can offer complete certainty. Healthy relationships require a willingness to tolerate some uncertainty while continuing to build trust through experience.
The difference between intuition and anxiety
One of the most difficult parts of relationship anxiety is figuring out whether you’re listening to your intuition or your fears.
Intuition tends to feel clear, grounded, and consistent. Even when the message is difficult, there is often a sense of knowing.
Anxiety feels different. It tends to create urgency, repetitive questioning, and endless mental debate. The answers never feel satisfying because the mind immediately generates another question.
You might tell yourself, “Once I figure this out, I’ll finally feel calm.”
Yet the calm never arrives.
Learning to distinguish between genuine concerns and anxiety-driven fears can be an important part of healing. It allows you to make decisions based on your values and experiences rather than on momentary fear.
How therapy can help
Therapy offers an opportunity to understand the deeper patterns that contribute to relationship anxiety and self-sabotage.
Rather than focusing only on symptoms, we explore the beliefs, experiences, emotions, and relationship dynamics that continue to influence your life today.
Through therapy, you can learn to:
- Recognize patterns that keep you stuck
- Develop greater self-awareness and emotional clarity
- Strengthen your ability to tolerate uncertainty
- Build trust in yourself and your decision-making
- Improve communication and emotional connection
- Create healthier, more fulfilling relationships
At My Holistic Psychologist, I view healing through a whole-person lens. Relationships are influenced by thoughts, emotions, life experiences, physical well-being, and the way we relate to ourselves. By exploring these interconnected pieces, meaningful and lasting change becomes possible. The goal is to understand what is truly driving your fears so you can make decisions from a place of clarity rather than anxiety.
Moving toward connection with greater confidence
If relationship anxiety has left you questioning yourself, it can be helpful to remember that fear does not always mean something is wrong. Sometimes it simply means something important is happening.
Learning to let go of constant self-protection does not happen overnight. It is a process of building trust in yourself, understanding your patterns, and allowing yourself to experience connection without needing complete certainty.
I work with adults who are struggling with anxiety, relationship challenges, life transitions, and emotional difficulties that affect their sense of balance and well-being. Through a warm, collaborative, and holistic approach that integrates evidence-based therapies with deeper self-exploration, I help clients gain clarity, strengthen resilience, and create more fulfilling relationships.
If you’re ready to better understand the fears that may be holding you back from connection, I’d be honored to support you. Reaching out for a consultation can be a meaningful first step toward building greater confidence in yourself and your relationships.
Frequently asked questions about relationship anxiety
How do I know if I have relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety often involves persistent doubt, excessive reassurance-seeking, overanalyzing your feelings, or constantly worrying about the future of the relationship despite a lack of clear problems.
Can relationship anxiety ruin a healthy relationship?
If left unaddressed, relationship anxiety can create distance, conflict, and misunderstanding. Recognizing and working through these patterns can strengthen the relationship.
Why do I want a relationship but feel scared when I get close to someone?
Closeness often brings vulnerability. Past experiences, fear of rejection, or previous relationship wounds can make emotional intimacy feel both desirable and frightening.
Is relationship self-sabotage a sign that I'm with the wrong person?
Not necessarily. Sometimes self-sabotage reflects unresolved fears or patterns rather than problems with the relationship itself. Exploring these concerns can help provide clarity.
How can therapy help with relationship anxiety?
Therapy can help you understand the roots of your fears, identify recurring patterns, improve emotional awareness, and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
By Dr. Diana Chacon, PhD
She earned her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from New York University (NYU) and her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Adelphi University. Dr. Chacon is bilingual in English and Spanish and offers culturally sensitive, LGBTQ+ affirming care focused on building emotional resilience, clarity, and lasting well-being.
References
Abramowitz, J. S., Deacon, B. J., & Whiteside, S. P. H. (2019). Exposure therapy for anxiety: Principles and practice (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. TarcherPerigee.
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Tatkin, S. (2016). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.